The Return of the Self

When my first son was born, I chose not to return to work. Holding him in my arms and realizing he was out in the world and that the protection of my body, the safety within the womb was no longer there, I felt this great need to keep him out of harm by being his protector. I let him learn some things on his own, walking leads to a few falls, while ensuring hands are held when walking near the street. Never having been around children before I really wasn't sure that the maternal instinct would kick in that strong, but it did. It took years before anyone other than my husband's and my family could watch him. Basically, I wanted him to be able to tell me if the outside sitter was caring for him properly. Perhaps I shouldn't have watched "The Hand that Rocked the Cradle" while being in the last stage of pregnancy.

Anyway, two children later. My eldest is seven, the youngest coming up on three years. Now we try to have a sitter once a month if not more. We've even been away overnight for several nights; mother-in-law was in town, and I wouldn't expect a non family member to stay at our home and care for my children for days unless there was an emergency.

I feel most proud of who my eldest has and is becoming. He's at an age where you can really see what he's like and who he may be. My younger son; yes, two full energy boys (I'm a master chaser now and my husband has warned me that an ER visit could be a possibility not that I'd be prepared for that mentally and therefore won't think on that) comes into this family with all the more love surrounding him. Before he was born, we talked about him often with our 1st son and how wonderful it'll be to have a brother (we learned the 2nd's sex, not the 1st's - easier for transitioning him to embracing his brother). The day he was born, we had a gift that baby brother gave to big brother - big brother still talks about that.

The same feelings of protection came over me for the second child, but also more of a sense of ease and allowance for more. Their personalities merge and shift away and I see they share traits, but that they are their own persons.

Me, I'm only just getting back after being on hiatus for the last seven years. I've put much love and effort into raising my boys and will continue to do so, but I'm also thinking that I need to do what popular self helpers often state, shamelessly I have never actually read a self help book, and that is to "care for oneself".

I'm going to start that now. By the way, the bra shopping is under way! Woo-hoo!

The kids have been in bed for over two hours now and I was just going to wash up and get myself into bed. I walk into the bathroom and I catch a look in the mirror. I look like a mom tonight. So glad Juan is not here to see me in this most unattractive state. Not that moms look unattractive, but we moms know the MOM look after being out and about with the kids all day, having very little ME time. I mean, we can't count a bathroom break, because they're not private moments with little ones popping in regularly to see where we went off to and what we're doing. The look I had was hair falling out of a not tight bun, last of the days make-up, dribbles of ice cream (oh yes I did) on the front of my shirt and a nursing bra - which my seven year old asked me today when he saw the latch peeking out of the edge of my shirt "What's this?" I bowed my head in totally defeat. Yes, I've become that. And no I'm not still breast-feeding my almost three year old, not that I have a problem with others doing that. He was just ready when he was ready and he being my second I was ready, too.

So, while the kids were entertained this evening watching Fetch before bed I made a list of things to do and on that list were:

1. buy new lingerie (this word by the way, makes me feel like I've written it wrong and I keep looking it up, but no that is the correct spelling...),

2. get hair appointment,

3. do nails

And I should add look at yourself in the mirror regularly.

I was hoping to get to bed early and defy the ugly morning blah look, but that doesn't look to be happening either.

So Friday is here soon enough and with a three day weekend and hopefully a husband (sales conference ends tomorrow), perhaps I'll have a chance to escape for a bit and find myself *wink-wink*. In that time it'd be nice to have a date night with said husband.

4. book sitter!